This is literally the cutest lizard to ever grace my bathroom floor
Fastest way to get through a border patrol checkpoint
are you fuckingkidding me
He could have had like gallons of cocaine in the back like damn Jesus saves
"when i was your age-"
This Vine gives me life.
Once my friend was saying something and I hit this and it took a while to load and when it did it cut him off at a really inappropriate part. He was being a dick and it was perfect.
“abortion is a permanent decision”
so is…having baby…..
the only true ally
1. fight rly hard
2. get the shit beat out of u and fall on the ground
3. get up slowly with blood dripping from ur mouth
4. crack a smile and say something about friends and not giving up
5. win. thats it u will automatically win after following steps 1-4
the sims is a game i can play for like 3 days and then i don’t want to touch it for several months
”if u like someone just tell them!!” yeah sure goodbye
This is the one time of year that I love wasps.
Not because the wasps themselves get any nicer. They’re horrid little creatures year round. No, it’s because I have a couple of big apple trees out back, and late August, early September is when the apples start ripening.
Now, if you don’t harvest your own fruit, there are two things you need to know about apples.
The first thing you need to know about apples is that, when apples get ripe, they tend to fall from the tree at the slightest breeze.
I often work late at the office; by the time I get home, there are piles of apples scattered everywhere - and sure enough, the wasps are out in force, gorging themselves on the fruit. When I go to clean up the windfallen apples, the wasps naturally do the “rawr, I’ma fuck you up!” routine for which wasps are known.
The second thing you need to know about apples is that they ferment very rapidly in the late August heat.
So: the wasps try to come at me, but they’re too drunk to fly. They get about an inch off the ground, then faceplant directly into the turf, flip over onto their backs, and lay there, legs twitching in the air as they try in vain to find something to sting.
Perhaps I’m a man of simple pleasures, but I bust up laughing every. single. time.
IF THE RINGTONE ISN’T SPOOKY SCARY SKELETONS I WILL BE SEVERELY DISAPPOINTED
having a crush on someone who’s famous is so awesome because it’s like hey! no chance of rejection. ever. my existence is completely off their radar. they don’t even know i’m alive. this is great. this is a fun time. i am having so much fun